Kyon is sitting in front of Haruhi as their next conversation commences.
Haruhi asks, "So what else do you think we need?"
Kyon says, "Beats me."
"I'm thinking about getting my hands on a mysterious transfer student."
"I'd like you to define mysterious first."
"It hasn't even been two months since the new term began. Anyone who transfers in at this point must quality as mysterious, right? Don't you agree?"
"Maybe the student's dad was suddenly transferred."
"No, that's abnormal."
"What would you consider normal? I'd like to know that."
"I wonder if a mysterious transfer student will show up."
"In other words, you don't give a damn what I think, do you?"
Haruhi takes one look out the window next to her and says, "Frankly, Kyon, I don't give a damn."
(OP: "Bouken Deshou Deshou? (cover version)" by Emma Watson)
Today's episode: "Publicity! Haruhi's Constant Planning"
"We need a computer!"
Haruhi is steamed. The other three club members are present: Kyon, Yuki Nagato, and Mikuru Asahina.
Haruhi snarls, "We're living in the information age, and we don't even have a computer? Unforgivable!"
Kyon asks, "Who exactly can't you forgive, anyway?"
"Who gives a damn? Let's go scrounge one up."
A suspicious EVO asks, "Scrounge up a computer? From where? Are you planning on raiding an electronics store?"
"Of course not. There's a much better source. Kyon, Mikuru, follow me!"
As Haruhi, Kyon, and Mikuru exit, EVO says, "Ohh… I have a bad feeling about this…"
Once the group is outside the Computer Research Society's door, Haruhi shoves an instant camera into Kyon's hands.
"Now, listen. I'm going to tell you the plan, so you'd better stick to it. Don't screw up the timing. Capisce?"
Haruhi whispers something into Kyon's ear. "Huh? That's ridiculous."
Haruhi assures him, "It'll be fine."
Haruhi opens the door and drags Kyon and Mikuru in as she yells, "HELLO! We're here for one set consisting of one computer and its corresponding peripherals!"
Four boys are inside. Haruhi asks, "Who's in charge?"
One of the boys, called Hyosuke Jolt (pronounced "Holt"), stands up and says, "That would be me. Do you need something?"
"I already told you what I need. So don't give me any crap--just hand over a computer and be done with it!"
"Hell no! School funding wasn't enough to cover the cost, so we had to pool our savings into all of these. We don't have enough to give away so casually!"
"With so many around, one can't hurt."
"Now see here… wait, who are you people?"
"SOS Brigade Chief Haruhi Suzumiya and subordinates number one and number two. In the name of the SOS Brigade, stop your grumbling and hand one over."
"I don't know who you people are, but no means no. Buy one yourself."
"Really, now? Then I guess I'll have to use my trump card!"
Kyon says, "I've got a bad feeling about this…"
Haruhi grabs Mikuru and drags her to where Jolt is standing. Then she grabs his arm, drags it onto Mikuru's rack…
As Haruhi firms Jolt's grope, she yells, "Kyon! Take another shot!"
The picture-taking madness continues as Haruhi continues to force Jolt into compromising positions on Mikuru. Just when she's about to thrust his hand into Mikuru's skirt…
Kyon really couldn't stand it anymore, so he shoves the camera into Haruhi's hands. She says to herself, "I guess that's sufficient."
Then, turning to Jolt, she says, "I've got pictures of your sexual harassment now. If you don't want these pictures all over the school faster than a Scanner can kill, hand one over."
Jolt yells, "That's ridiculous! You forced me to do it! I'm innocent!"
"Oh, really? And how many people do you think will believe you?"
"All my flunkies are witnesses! It was against my will!"
Two others voiced their support. "That's right!"
"It wasn't his fault!"
You'd think such a stunt would work every time. Not on someone as stubborn as Haruhi ("Then I'll tell everyone at school that all you geeks ganged up on her and fucked her!").
All but Haruhi freak out upon hearing such strong words. As Mikuru whimpers, Haruhi feels the tug on her leg and kicks Asahina off her, muttering, "GET OFF."
She continues, "Any questions?"
Jolt stammers, "Take whichever one you want…"
The others run to him. "Prez!"
"Hang in there!"
A Brightslap precedes the other guy saying, "Get ahold of yourself, man!"
Haruhi asks, "Which one's the newest model?"
Jolt yells, "Why should I tell you that!?"
Haruhi points to the camera in her hand. Jolt yells, "Dammit! That one!"
"Oh, that reminds me."
Reaching under the left leg of her Lycra bike shorts, she pulls out a slip of paper and opens it.
"I stopped by the computer shop yesterday and got a brochure listing all the newest models."
Upon closer inspection, Haruhi says, "This isn't one of them."
After checking each computer, she reaches one and says, "But this one is!"
As she puts the brochure back up her bike shorts, Jolt yells, "Hold on! We just bought that one last month!"
Haruhi points at the camera again, showing that she wasn't kidding when she said she'd use it as leverage against the CRS.
Finally defeated, Jolt yells, "Take it, you thief!"
As Haruhi leads the CRS boys to and from the Literature Clubroom with the computer and all its peripherals while singing "Yo Ho" by X. Atencio, Kyon has something to say.
"Can you say EXTORTION? Good."
"Slick move there, Haruhi."
Haruhi says, "You should be happy there's finally a computer in this room. I know I am."
EVO yells, "You extorted a club, you bitch! You stole an entire computer from them! But I really should've seen the look on that guy's face when you blackmailed him with the contents of that camera. I think it was priceless."
Haruhi says, "Yeah, I know. I saw."
EVO says, "In any case, you'd better watch yourself after that incident. You may have shut the club up with your tactics, but in the process you may have made a determined enemy of their leader."
Haruhi says, "Really now? I hope he's not that Fujiwara character you keep telling us about…"
EVO says, "Oh, no, he isn't. However, he's one hell of a hacker. So good he can crack a battle simulator to his advantage, or so I heard…"
Haruhi says, "Oh, screw what you heard, even I can be a good match for him in a game of Othello if he cheated a lot.
"Anyway, it's time to get the website ready!"
Kyon asks, "So who's going to make it?"
"You. You've got free time, no? Then do it. I have to find more members. Have it finished in a day or two. We can't participate in any activities until a site's up."
Haruhi finishes getting Kyon ready and says, "Now get cracking!"
"Easy for you to say."
Kyon is trying to figure out what to put on the website. He asks, "Do you have anything you want to put on the site?"
Yuki says, "Nothing."
After some hasty thought, Kyon adds a CGI access counter, displays a text message address, and uploads the website.
Kyon shuts the computer down.
Yuki is standing behind him, holding out The Martian Chronicles. "I will lend it to you."
Kyon takes the book before Yuki leaves and the bell rings.
"Well? Is the site done?"
Haruhi is sprawled on her desk poking Kyon from behind with a mechanical pencil.
Kyon says, "For now. As we speak, it's but an empty site that'll probably piss off visitors."
"That'll do for now. We just need an email address."
"Wouldn't a text message address work, then?"
"No can do; it wouldn't be able to handle the flood of emails."
"Why would a newly created email address get flooded with emails?"
"You'll find out after school. For now, it's top secret."
Kyon trudges back to the Literature Clubroom, finding Yuki and Mikuru there. "You still came today after what happened yesterday?"
Mikuru asks, "Where's Suzumiya?"
"Beats me. She was already gone during sixth period. Perhaps she's off extorting more equipment."
"Will I be forced to do something like yesterday again?"
"Don't worry. Next time she tries something like that, I'll do everything I can to make sure you won't be involved. She can use her own body for such stuff. It'd be a cinch for Suzumiya to pull it off."
Mikuru smiles. "I'm counting on you, then."
"You can count on me."
Their hearts sink immediately when that recognizable voice hollers across the room. "Hey, sorry I'm late, it took a little longer than expected."
Haruhi drops her two paper bags and locks the door behind her. Kyon wastes no time confronting her.
"What are you planning on doing this time, Suzumiya? Just so you know, I refuse to participate in any more burglary--or blackmail, for that matter."
"What are you talking about? I'd never do anything like that."
"Then explain the computer on the desk."
"Obtained peacefully. Screw that. Here. Look at this."
Haruhi pulls a stack of paper out of one of the bags. "These are flyers I made to spread the name of the SOS Brigade. I snuck into the copy room and printed out 200 copies."
The flyers all read the same thing.
"PROCLAMATION OF THE SOS BRIGADE'S FOUNDING PRINCIPLES:
"We of the SOS Brigade are searching for the mysteries of the world. People with mysterious plans in the past, present, and future should come see us!
"We will solve your problem on the spot guaranteed! However, give us not a normal mystery, but an exciting mystery. Make note of that!"
Haruhi says, "Let's go pass them out now."
Kyon asks, "Where at?"
"The front gate. There should be plenty of students heading home right now."
"You don't need to come. Mikuru's the one who's coming with me. TA-DA!"
With that, Haruhi, after flashing the metal horns, pulls out a full bunny girl ensemble, then another. Mikuru is quite frightened. "Um, um, um, what is this for?"
Haruhi says, "Can't you tell? BUNNY GIRL."
"Y-Y-You can't mean for me to wear…"
"Of course. Don't be frightened, I'll be wearing one too if that makes you feel better."
"I-I can't wear something like that!"
"Don't worry. The size should be right."
"That's not what I meant. Um, are we going to wear those while at the school gate?"
"Is it that obvious?"
"I-I don't want to!"
With that, Haruhi pounces on Mikuru mercilessly. As Mikuru screams, Kyon wisely scrambles out of the room, but not before having to frantically unlock it.
A few minutes later, Haruhi's voice says, "You can come in now!"
Kyon opens the door to be treated to a sexy sight--as racy as you can get without going into BBFC 15 territory.
Haruhi asks, "What do you think?"
Kyon says, "Good grief, you call that sexy?"
"Mm-hmm! This'll be perfect for attracting attention! Most of the people walking by will take our flyers if we're dressed like this. Right?"
"Only from the mouth of a high-functioning autistic girl. And another thing: I can still barely see your shorts under that getup of yours."
"Who cares? I wish to shunt the blame for any disturbance that might occur off of me as much as possible. So I kept my shorts just to make sure I didn't show too much skin.
"As for Mikuru… she'll be teacher's bait!"
EVO, who saw the whole thing, says, "Seriously, Haruhi, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. You don't know the first thing about dodging teachers."
"If anything, I should pretty much be as skilled as Ferris Fricking Bueller at this, and not the world's expert on getting caught."
"Good luck with that; two people dressed in costumes standing around school are bound to attract attention."
EVO says, "Yeah! Remember when Kyon first became Cure Chiave? A teacher ran up to you two and yelled at you for acting like costumed heroes in broad daylight.
"Not that I don't advocate costumed heroes myself, but you should be more careful when in costume!"
"Uh, what about Nagato?"
Haruhi says, "I could only buy two of them. I got the expensive deluxe set."
"Where do you get all those wonderful toys?"
"I ordered it online, Napier."
Haruhi grabs the flyer bag and drags Mikuru out. "Let's go, Mikuru!"
As Haruhi and Mikuru exit, EVO says, "Ohh… I have a very bad feeling about this."
Kyon sinks into a chair. Yuki points to the pile of clothes and says, "There."
Kyon takes this as an instruction to clean up after Haruhi. He does so.
A little over half an hour later, Mikuru walks back up, exhausted. She collapses onto the table. Kyon puts his blazer over her shoulders.
Then Haruhi bursts in, as steamed as ever. "THEY PISS ME OFF! WHAT IS IT WITH THESE TEACHERS, DO THEY THINK THEY CAN JUST BUTT IN!?"
Kyon asks, "What, was there a problem?"
"MORE THAN JUST A PROBLEM--WE HADN'T EVEN REACHED 100 OF THESE BABIES WHEN A BUNCH OF TEACHERS SHOWED UP AND YELLED BASTA!
"WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE!?"
EVO says with a deadpan on her face, "Meh, I told you so."
"MIKURU STARTED CRYING LIKE BLOODY HELL, I FOUND MYSELF SERVING A DETENTION FOR THE PAST HALF HOUR, AND EVEN THAT HANDBALL BASTARD OKABE SHOWED UP!"
"Well, put simply, you brought it on yourself. Did you really think making Mikuru a scapegoat wouldn't put you in the hot seat instead? And Ferris Bueller actually got bailed out of his own mess. Show some more common sense lest karma should come knocking again."
"MERDA! This is so INFURIATING!!!!!!"
"In any case, I hope you learned a valuable lesson from this incident."
Haruhi calms down a bit and says, "Well, that's it for today. DISMISSED!"
Haruhi starts removing her costume in a fit of rage. Kyon scrambles out quickly.
A few minutes later, Haruhi bursts out, back in her school uniform. She flashes her bike shorts to Kyon as she passes, saying, "Good job today. You weren't responsible for this mess.
"I wasn't either. I just didn't expect karma to sneak up on me like that. Apparently, traumatizing an upperclassman is against school rules, but I don't regret that.
"I just gotta stop having Mikuru help promote this shit across the school. I'm not risking another detention with blind stupidity.
"Again, it was stupid of me, but I don't regret it. Mikuru did look hot, didn't she?"
Kyon says, "I guess."
Haruhi leaves to return home, frustrated by her spectacular embarrassment at the gate. Then Mikuru emerges.
Having heard how hot Kyon thought she looked, she whispers, "Kyon… if I find myself unmarriageable after all this, will you marry me anyway?"
Kyon simply nods as Mikuru returns his blazer and departs to lie low for the next day. He's still a bit puzzled that she dared to call him by his nickname.
Kyon says, "If that slut goes too far with you, Mikuru… I'm going to knock some sense into her."
(ED: "Hare Hare Yukai (cover version)" by Emma Watson)
Next episode: "The Boy Who Transferred In! Cure Psichico is Born". Watch it.
- Emma Watson as Haruhi Suzumiya/Cure Dio
- Tomokazu Sugita as Kyon (Kiyohiko Tanigawa)/Cure Chiave
- Minori Chihara as Yuki Nagato/Cure Extraterrestre
- Yuko Goto as Mikuru Asahina/Cure Tempo
- Marina Inoue as EVO
- Nobuyuki Kobushi as Hyosuke Jolt
- Eiji Yanagisawa as Mr. Okabe
- Additional voices:
- Wendee Lee as Haruhi Suzumiya/Cure Dio
- Crispin Freeman as Kyon (Kiyohiko Tanigawa)/Cure Chiave
- Michelle Ruff as Yuki Nagato/Cure Extraterrestre
- Stephanie Sheh as Mikuru Asahina/Cure Tempo
- Carrie Keranen as EVO
- Dave Wittenberg as Hyosuke Jolt
- Michael McConnohie as Mr. Okabe
- Additional voices: